Sunday, September 27, 2015

Resolution

I've made about a thousand resolutions in my life. I'm one of those people...forever proclaiming something new, something intended. But almost never following through. Why? I lose interest. I convince myself that I will fail. I start to realize all the reasons I won't. I sputter and choke. And eventually move on to the next thing...the next whimsy, the next proclivity, the next distraction. Until I move again. What does that say about my early-childhood programming, I wonder?


However, in defiance of who I seem to be, I've made a very, very painful decision. Well, not the decision so much as the repercussions of my decision. I've decided to write a book. Chris's story. Who he was, why we loved him, and what we lost January 5th, 2012. It's like gouging out my guts to contemplate this, much less do it. The agony of reliving what we have all lost fills me with chagrin. But he was an amazing person. Everyone who knew him had a list as long as their arm of stories of funny, athletic, charming, gallant, brave, and frankly incredible things he had done. If I devoted my life to chronicling everything people knew about or had experienced with him, this would take me 10 years to write. So I'm going to write the story I know. The man I lived with. The man who - for some unknown reason - adored me. This incredible man adored....me. That is a puzzle I will probably never answer. Nor will I try. But as much as he loved and adored me, I loved and adored him even more. Strange...when he was alive, he used to say all the time that he loved me more than I loved him. And I never knew really how to take that. I felt guilty, as though my secret had been found out. While I without a doubt loved him with everything in my heart and soul and would absolutely swoon over the man he was, I knew he was right. Somehow he just had a capacity to love like no one else I have ever met. It didn't matter if you were a friend, an ex girlfriend, a kid from the neighborhood...if you needed someone, he was there without a moment's hesitation. He gave his life to making everything ok for everyone around him. He used to say he had so many people on his plate...but the truly incredible thing was, the more people needed him and looked up to him, the more humble he became in his heart. Oh, he would swagger and crack jokes and build himself up. But I knew the man he was in his heart, and in his heart, he was deeply, deeply humble. That was part of what was so amazing about him. He would boast about himself in a way that made you like him more. Because you knew he was soft and sweet and just having fun. In a heartbeat, he'd step aside and give credit and attention to anyone else and never for a moment ask anything for himself. That's the way he wanted it, always.


So that is the man I will try to write about. I wonder if my character is developed enough to convey the depth of who he was, his story which was frankly amazing in every way. Character - how about writing talent??? I will have to do better than I have here...otherwise no one will want to read his story. And his is a story I think everyone who has a heart and a soul that wants to see good in this world will love.