The River Flows...

I feel like I woke up and it is December of 2004...all that long time ago when I was alone, a single mom with two little girls, living in a little apartment on 4th and Sheldon in downtown Grand Haven. Life was full of transitions, and I wasn't sure where I was going to land. I was struggling emotionally, financially. Feeling like life had chewed me up, found me unappetizing and spit me out. But then...along came the love of my life. I will never forget the moment I met him. I had heard about him as Stubby, my boss's best friend and manager of all the construction projects he had going all over the tri-cities area. I walked into the accountant's office that day, and she said, Laura, have you ever met Chris? I turned to my left and there he was...he jumped out of his seat and had the most amazing expression on his face. It was sincerity...he stuck out his hand and said, "Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you!" And he smiled. But I could tell he was nervous. I didn't get it then, but now I know...it was destiny. Our lives met that day and melded into something strong, beautiful, supportive, giving and loving. My life changed forever in that one moment....within four years I would be married to him. Within eight I would be a widow.

It was January 5th, 2012. I called him on my lunch that day as I always did. We chatted about our day...and then he said his chest hurt. Right in the middle, he said. I was concerned, and we talked for a long time about it. He had been through so much with his Rhuematoid Arthritis pain and had so many experiences in the ER, but what really changed our perspective on going to the ER was the time I got so worried about his pain I took him to Mercy in Muskegon. They treated him like a drug addict and literally said, we'll give you a Norco, but that's it. We wanted answers, help, treatment; not drugs. He got angry and we left, went back to North Ottawa like we had always done before. They contacted Dr. Recknagel and within two weeks he was having surgery. But that experience had changed everything for us. It had made us feel hopeless about asking for help at the ER. So when Chris and I talked that day, he was really reluctant to go to the ER. But I was worried, so he said he would call them and see if he should go in. He called me back a few minutes later and told me that they had said that it was almost 1 o'clock, so he could come on into the ER or if he wanted to wait a few minutes, his family doctor, Dr Sterenberg, would be back in the office. He told me he would get some lunch (he would always eat a hard salami sandwich, four slices with salt and pepper, and some Rainbow Dark potato chips), and then give Dr. Sterenberg's office a call. I said, ok, honey, let me know what you hear. I love you, we both said. And then I hung up. It was the last words we ever spoke. The pathologist said that he died within moments of hanging up from that call, at approximately 1:00 EST time that day.

So, in that moment, life changed - although it has taken a while for all the pieces to play their part. The girls I know and love and spent 8 years being a part of their life - they are gone. No contact thanks to a small amount of money - less than enough to buy a new car - which my husband left in an insurance policy in my name. I was advised to keep my mouth completely quiet about that. If the girls moms find out, I was told, it would be trouble. They would want the money for their girls. So I said nothing, but the word got out somehow...hate, blame and accusations were thrown at me like water on a fire. It deluged me with anguish, pain, regret and finally, a sense of anger. The youngest daughter's mother has sent email after email in a torrent of vile and putrid hate. The daughter, now 16 and with a beautiful new car to drive all around town, will not speak to me. The older daughter who originally went digging for the truth about the money - to the extent of calling the insurance company and the agent - has decided she has somehow evolved beyond the money. And yet, there wasn't a conversation I had with her where the money wasn't brought up. In a moment of anguish, I ended that relationship. How long can I be punished because my husband left me a small, SMALL final expense policy???

So life finds me here, wondering who my friends are, wondering who my family is. I will have to move out of the home that Chris and I bought and remodeled together. Well, I can't say we bought it because the person we bought it from on land contract says we didn't actually BUY it...we rented it with the option to buy. Of course, that was never the understanding Chris and I had about the house...especially considering the 6 months of time we spent completely remodeling that home. Completely remodeled kitchen and dining room, half bath and complete basement. New flooring, new walls, painted, refinished the kitchen cabinets and built a high counter to sit at...it will all be gone in a few weeks. The beautiful home my husband made for me...because he loved me. Gone. So I truly am beginning a new endeavor in my life complete with new home and probably a new career as well. After all, I can no longer live on just my income...unless I want to go back to a cramped apartment with a falling apart car and no luxuries, no amentities in life, where even a cell phone at $30 a month was a luxury I could barely afford.

Oh yes, life is changing, changing so much. When I look back at my life on January 5th of next year, what is it going to look like????

I guess I am getting around to that beginning talked about in "Hope Floats"...let's hope it floats up in my life, too.

What it is to love My Honey....

What does it mean to fall in love? To feel loved by one person and to love them more deeply than you ever knew was possible to love another human being? That was the love Chris and I shared. Every issuance from his body, whether it be his morning breath (peppery), his lift-his-butt-cheeks toots, his many times daily squirts of stuff to clear his nasal passages...coming from the body I loved more deeply than my own, it was all ok. The only thing I would never do was pop a zit on his back. I let Grace do that. I remember how he used to pass gas - so loud! And just like a little kid. It would kill me when he would do that in the car. I would tell him I didn't want to breath his anal poop particles. Gross! Now I would love to have another moment where he had to lift his cheek to make room for the air to express itself....it's strange to miss things like that, but I do. It was so CHRIS. You ever smell those really burny peppers they have at Mexican restaurants? Or take a sniff of the Red Hot when you are out to eat? That's the feeling I get every time it hits me - this intense burny hot pain that smarts my eyes and makes my nose start to run. It's horridible....awful. He loved me, I know he did. He loved the things I would say. He loved to see me laugh and have fun. He loved to have fun with me. He would laugh at me when I was being a nincompoop, and he'd give me this look that was so full of love and of pure pleasure in who I was...probably the best feeling in the world to be loved like that and it is my most memorable memory of him, just him looking at me like that. When I think of my honey, it is with that expression on his face, the best face I have ever known in my life. I love you my honey, you are my heart and my soul and never far from my thoughts....