Tuesday, July 15, 2025

🖤 The Vertigo Creed

I am not the woman who walks away without looking back.

I am not the Hitchcock blonde, hair immaculate, heart untouched.

I am Jimmy Stewart—haunted, relentless, unable to stop circling the wound.

I do not numb. I do not forget. I do not file away my grief in neat little boxes.

I feel it. I hold it. I turn it over in my hands a thousand times, searching for the shape of truth.

I see my part in the breaking. I see his. I see the pieces we could have picked up together.

And still I see him walking away—not because I wasn’t enough, but because he couldn’t stay.

I don’t get the clean ending.

I don’t get the satisfaction of full stop.

I get the ache. I get the questions. I get the endless living with what is.

But I also get this:

I get to know myself down to the marrow.

I get the kind of depth only found in people who refuse to look away.

I get to stand in the ruins—not perfect, not whole, but real.

Not that regret ever bought something good.

Nonetheless it is a price some of us pay.

Is there a reason? No.

I am who I am. I didn’t want this mind, this heart, this burden.

But I accept it and move on.

Carrying that heavy burden.

Because he won’t.

A burden you carry for the love of what it once was.

And this love deserves a tabernacle, a stone tablet, something that survives us.

Because it was deep. And true. Never faked. Real.

But too human.


Friday, May 02, 2025

Inner Scars

Anais Nin // “Why did I feel warmed by imperfections, discomfort, and patina? Because intense living leaves scars…inner scars, softened, human wear and tear.”

The quicksands of grief

“It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them...throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you...trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly...on tiptoes and no luggage...completely unencumbered."

~Aldous Huxley, from “Island”