My New Reality

Maybe I'm more naive than the next person in life, but it has taken this long for me to realize that I truly am alone now. Life backed up 8 years when Chris died, I just didn't know it. Eight years of being a part of his life, yet without him...I am no longer a part of the life he had made in the 50 years he was here. 

I am not saying this for sympathy - in fact, I have no sympathy for myself in saying it. It is just a reality. My life is now minus Chris and all the people that were a part of his life. It makes me sad. But I understand. I was almost an afterthought in his life in terms of the time he spent with everyone else. Even his ex wives! It just makes me sad that the most important person in my life is gone and the only people around me are people that knew him less than I did.

Bottom line for me is that I miss him beyond any possible expression of grief, and there isn't a moment in my day where I don't feel bereft of the most important person in my life. I think that when this happens to you, you naturally want something to make you feel better. Being around people that loved him as much as I did would make me feel better, or at least, I think it would. But sometimes in life you don't get the thing you need.

So, I miss Chris with my children and my family and my one good friend, and I think of his friends and his family, and I wish them well. Especially because they meant so much to him. And I think of him, and I miss him, and I try to remember that he did love me and believe in me, and I can still be a happy person and make my life good. But it is just really hard to lose so much LIFE and love and people and not feel really sad.