Maybe, just maybe, life will be good

In the six months prior to meeting my honey, I was having an extreme problem sleeping. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep at all. I was also clenching my teeth so hard it was giving me extreme muscle ache in my head, jaw and neck. It was probably one of the toughest times of my life, and considering all the many, many tragedies I've lived through and difficult times I've gone through, that's saying something.

Most people have a memory of being a kid and feeling safe and well-taken care of. I do not. It is not that I wasn't loved or cared over or mothered...I just had this thing inside of me that compared my life to the lives I thought the kids at school were living, and it made me really sad, and I felt very confused, not understanding why my life had to be so hard. One of my earliest recollections is from when I was a young child - probably around 4 years old. I know I was that old because Jamie was born then, just a newborn, in the trailer we lived in at that time. I was sad and contemplating why my life was so hard (at 4 years old?!?!?). Somehow in my mind I came to this realization that it was because God was preparing me for the life I was to lead. So right there, 4 years old, I figured out that life was going to be hard and that I would have a lot of sadness in life.

Now...could it be that I am living a self-fulfilling fantasy, so to speak, by living a life that has had so much grief? I doubt it. When my daughter died, it wasn't because of anything I did. When my husband died, it wasn't because of anything I did. The years of harassment and legal battles I've had with my ex-husband are also not my fault and not caused by anything I have done. My cervical cancer and my life-changing stroke weren't caused by anything I did. I suppose an argument could be made that had I handled things better, I could have somehow overcome each of these tragedies in a more victorious way. But that is bullshit. It's the kind of thing Christians like to say because it makes them sound learned and highly evolved and utlra-spiritual. The truth is that we all face hardships and tragedies at different points in our life, and we all have our moments of triumph and moments where we completely blow everything up into rotten little bits. And I've done both.

When I was going through that six month period of time when I wasn't sleeping well, I knew it was one of the hard times in my life. I knew I had made some mistakes that had led to the place I found myself at that time, and that only I was to blame. It - like the other hard places in my life I had fought through - was a place that taught me a lot and helped me resolve the horrible experiences I had gone through. So when Chris came along, I was pretty much ready for my life to begin again.

And indeed it did. Chris and I were together for 8 wonderful, happy years. For the first time in my life, I felt safe and well taken care of. I didn't worry about not having food. I didn't worry about the lights or the heat or the cable being turned off because of nonpayment. I didn't have to be alone or lonely. He was so much fun, such a great partner. We shared life together, deeply in love, persevering through whatever harships came our way, until he passed away on January 5th of this year. And everything changed. Again.

Now I find myself in a place I thought I would never have to go back to. I am alone, without a spouse or life partner. Back to one paltry income. Back to trying to parent on my own. And most hilariously, my stroke still hampers my ability to be an adult in the face of emotional or turbulent times. Still, I am trying to put my life back together, form a plan and move forward. And perhaps this time I will do a considerable amount of tragedy-preparedness planning. I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened before! It very well could happen again! I could lose my job, lose my car, lose one of my children, get in an accident and lose what's left of my brain. Or use of my body.

But maybe, just maybe, life will be good. Maybe I've used up all the tragedy points in my life and can move on to happiness points, financial well-being points, kids-who-grow-up-into-good-adults points. And just maaaaaybe....life won't be quite so hard.

Quit yer cryin

Tears have been a part of my life every day now for the last six months. Today is the anniversary...my honey died six months ago. It seems like six days! I can remember him, almost hear his voice when I think of it...I still have his deoderant in my bedroom because it reminds me of when he would get out of the shower and he was always so good smelling. Even when he would work hard and get dirty that man never smelled stinky. He didn't have stinky breath (it was peppery, even in the morning), his sweat didn't stink (it was salty smelling). He didn't stink up the bathroom or pass noxious smelling gas...he was a pure soul, I'd like to think. He loved passionately, worked hard physically until the day he died, and no matter what he was doing, he had fun. Even his temper was like this pure spark popping off...when it was gone, the air was crisp and fresh and I felt cleaned out. It's funny when I think of it now...in eight years I never had that horrible realization that I was with a man that I could not bear. Oh, we had our fights, lemme tell ya! But never did I ever look at him and think, wow, I can not bear that man. His best friend said to me in an email today, he made everybody do right. And he did. He feels like he is a better person having known Chris. Amen, I say, that was the essence of who my honey was...doing the right thing, not preaching, not telling others what to do, just being a really, really good role model to the people around him. Dio vi benedica, il mio miele. God bless you, my honey.

Its a funny little thing...

I love taking a long, cold drink of my Bloody Mary. Mmmm...spicy, salty, full of flavor and with enough Vodka to kick a dead horse's ass and get 'im up and ridin'. I found THE best Bloody Mary mix, even better than the home-made mix I used to make. It's stupidly called Zing-Zangg...really. But it is mmmm-a-lic-ous. That on top of that Grey Goose Vodka and damn, I think I'm going to feel alright tonight.