Inner Scars

Anais Nin // “Why did I feel warmed by imperfections, discomfort, and patina? Because intense living leaves scars…inner scars, softened, human wear and tear.”

The quicksands of grief

“It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them...throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you...trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly...on tiptoes and no luggage...completely unencumbered."

~Aldous Huxley, from “Island”

I'ma FB dum-dum

So, I've been on FB for a number of years. I started with this blog in, what was it, 2005? Then in probably 2008 I started on FB. I thought FB was like my blog, and I could put whatever I was thinking on it. While that may have been true at the time, I think the role FB has in society has changed. It is no longer a personal communication tool, it is largely a "public persona" gadget. You put in the image you want the world to have of you and presto! Magico! You are magically the public persona you have projected. And what is better yet, YOU get to choose the people that you get to project that image to! Brilliant!

Problem is, I didn't realize that until today. It's like my human being interelations mechanism is finally kicking into "sophisticated" thought patterns! Wow, like, I could pretend to be the person I've always wanted to be!? I don't have to be Laura "mentally negligible" Baldus anymore, I could be Laura "ultra-sophisticated, attractive and loads-of-fun" Baldus??? Dang! Why didn't someone tell me this ages ago! I've been blundering along being real and sharing these real thoughts and real emotions and degrading-frigging realities in my life when I could have been making it up, putting things that make me sound intelligent, thought-provoking, personally evolved and ultra-chic???? Damn, damn, damn...I'm going to have to start changing my tune on FB! I could be so much more than what I have been! Why, don't you realize, if I don't do it then I'm.....living a truth on FB when I could be living a much better lie!

Glory be! I gots me a tool now!

Oh, and ironically, what is on FB is SO MUCH MORE SEEN when it is really a PRIVATE forum, whereas my blog is COMPLETELY PUBLIC, any person on earth who has internet access could see this thing and....if I want to share my REAL thoughts, the REAL person I am - it has to be here. Cuz that way, no one will see it!

Hahahahahahahahh! (evil laughing abounds)

What Condition My Condition Is In

Like a rueful and resentful cat, I've been licking the wounds inflicted last weekend by Chris's best friend. I should "MOVE ON," he told me. The whole world is moving forward, doncha know, and you are the only one not moving. So move. Mooooooooooooooove!!
Oh, resentment! Oh, the million and one things I wish I could have said! How I long to have that moment again...I would breathe deeply and then SCREeeeeeeeeeAM!

Maybe, just maybe, life will be good

In the six months prior to meeting my honey, I was having an extreme problem sleeping. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep at all. I was also clenching my teeth so hard it was giving me extreme muscle ache in my head, jaw and neck. It was probably one of the toughest times of my life, and considering all the many, many tragedies I've lived through and difficult times I've gone through, that's saying something.

Most people have a memory of being a kid and feeling safe and well-taken care of. I do not. It is not that I wasn't loved or cared over or mothered...I just had this thing inside of me that compared my life to the lives I thought the kids at school were living, and it made me really sad, and I felt very confused, not understanding why my life had to be so hard. One of my earliest recollections is from when I was a young child - probably around 4 years old. I know I was that old because Jamie was born then, just a newborn, in the trailer we lived in at that time. I was sad and contemplating why my life was so hard (at 4 years old?!?!?). Somehow in my mind I came to this realization that it was because God was preparing me for the life I was to lead. So right there, 4 years old, I figured out that life was going to be hard and that I would have a lot of sadness in life.

Now...could it be that I am living a self-fulfilling fantasy, so to speak, by living a life that has had so much grief? I doubt it. When my daughter died, it wasn't because of anything I did. When my husband died, it wasn't because of anything I did. The years of harassment and legal battles I've had with my ex-husband are also not my fault and not caused by anything I have done. My cervical cancer and my life-changing stroke weren't caused by anything I did. I suppose an argument could be made that had I handled things better, I could have somehow overcome each of these tragedies in a more victorious way. But that is bullshit. It's the kind of thing Christians like to say because it makes them sound learned and highly evolved and utlra-spiritual. The truth is that we all face hardships and tragedies at different points in our life, and we all have our moments of triumph and moments where we completely blow everything up into rotten little bits. And I've done both.

When I was going through that six month period of time when I wasn't sleeping well, I knew it was one of the hard times in my life. I knew I had made some mistakes that had led to the place I found myself at that time, and that only I was to blame. It - like the other hard places in my life I had fought through - was a place that taught me a lot and helped me resolve the horrible experiences I had gone through. So when Chris came along, I was pretty much ready for my life to begin again.

And indeed it did. Chris and I were together for 8 wonderful, happy years. For the first time in my life, I felt safe and well taken care of. I didn't worry about not having food. I didn't worry about the lights or the heat or the cable being turned off because of nonpayment. I didn't have to be alone or lonely. He was so much fun, such a great partner. We shared life together, deeply in love, persevering through whatever harships came our way, until he passed away on January 5th of this year. And everything changed. Again.

Now I find myself in a place I thought I would never have to go back to. I am alone, without a spouse or life partner. Back to one paltry income. Back to trying to parent on my own. And most hilariously, my stroke still hampers my ability to be an adult in the face of emotional or turbulent times. Still, I am trying to put my life back together, form a plan and move forward. And perhaps this time I will do a considerable amount of tragedy-preparedness planning. I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened before! It very well could happen again! I could lose my job, lose my car, lose one of my children, get in an accident and lose what's left of my brain. Or use of my body.

But maybe, just maybe, life will be good. Maybe I've used up all the tragedy points in my life and can move on to happiness points, financial well-being points, kids-who-grow-up-into-good-adults points. And just maaaaaybe....life won't be quite so hard.

Quit yer cryin

Tears have been a part of my life every day now for the last six months. Today is the anniversary...my honey died six months ago. It seems like six days! I can remember him, almost hear his voice when I think of it...I still have his deoderant in my bedroom because it reminds me of when he would get out of the shower and he was always so good smelling. Even when he would work hard and get dirty that man never smelled stinky. He didn't have stinky breath (it was peppery, even in the morning), his sweat didn't stink (it was salty smelling). He didn't stink up the bathroom or pass noxious smelling gas...he was a pure soul, I'd like to think. He loved passionately, worked hard physically until the day he died, and no matter what he was doing, he had fun. Even his temper was like this pure spark popping off...when it was gone, the air was crisp and fresh and I felt cleaned out. It's funny when I think of it now...in eight years I never had that horrible realization that I was with a man that I could not bear. Oh, we had our fights, lemme tell ya! But never did I ever look at him and think, wow, I can not bear that man. His best friend said to me in an email today, he made everybody do right. And he did. He feels like he is a better person having known Chris. Amen, I say, that was the essence of who my honey was...doing the right thing, not preaching, not telling others what to do, just being a really, really good role model to the people around him. Dio vi benedica, il mio miele. God bless you, my honey.

Its a funny little thing...

I love taking a long, cold drink of my Bloody Mary. Mmmm...spicy, salty, full of flavor and with enough Vodka to kick a dead horse's ass and get 'im up and ridin'. I found THE best Bloody Mary mix, even better than the home-made mix I used to make. It's stupidly called Zing-Zangg...really. But it is mmmm-a-lic-ous. That on top of that Grey Goose Vodka and damn, I think I'm going to feel alright tonight.

The River Flows...

I feel like I woke up and it is December of 2004...all that long time ago when I was alone, a single mom with two little girls, living in a little apartment on 4th and Sheldon in downtown Grand Haven. Life was full of transitions, and I wasn't sure where I was going to land. I was struggling emotionally, financially. Feeling like life had chewed me up, found me unappetizing and spit me out. But then...along came the love of my life. I will never forget the moment I met him. I had heard about him as Stubby, my boss's best friend and manager of all the construction projects he had going all over the tri-cities area. I walked into the accountant's office that day, and she said, Laura, have you ever met Chris? I turned to my left and there he was...he jumped out of his seat and had the most amazing expression on his face. It was sincerity...he stuck out his hand and said, "Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you!" And he smiled. But I could tell he was nervous. I didn't get it then, but now I know...it was destiny. Our lives met that day and melded into something strong, beautiful, supportive, giving and loving. My life changed forever in that one moment....within four years I would be married to him. Within eight I would be a widow.

It was January 5th, 2012. I called him on my lunch that day as I always did. We chatted about our day...and then he said his chest hurt. Right in the middle, he said. I was concerned, and we talked for a long time about it. He had been through so much with his Rhuematoid Arthritis pain and had so many experiences in the ER, but what really changed our perspective on going to the ER was the time I got so worried about his pain I took him to Mercy in Muskegon. They treated him like a drug addict and literally said, we'll give you a Norco, but that's it. We wanted answers, help, treatment; not drugs. He got angry and we left, went back to North Ottawa like we had always done before. They contacted Dr. Recknagel and within two weeks he was having surgery. But that experience had changed everything for us. It had made us feel hopeless about asking for help at the ER. So when Chris and I talked that day, he was really reluctant to go to the ER. But I was worried, so he said he would call them and see if he should go in. He called me back a few minutes later and told me that they had said that it was almost 1 o'clock, so he could come on into the ER or if he wanted to wait a few minutes, his family doctor, Dr Sterenberg, would be back in the office. He told me he would get some lunch (he would always eat a hard salami sandwich, four slices with salt and pepper, and some Rainbow Dark potato chips), and then give Dr. Sterenberg's office a call. I said, ok, honey, let me know what you hear. I love you, we both said. And then I hung up. It was the last words we ever spoke. The pathologist said that he died within moments of hanging up from that call, at approximately 1:00 EST time that day.

So, in that moment, life changed - although it has taken a while for all the pieces to play their part. The girls I know and love and spent 8 years being a part of their life - they are gone. No contact thanks to a small amount of money - less than enough to buy a new car - which my husband left in an insurance policy in my name. I was advised to keep my mouth completely quiet about that. If the girls moms find out, I was told, it would be trouble. They would want the money for their girls. So I said nothing, but the word got out somehow...hate, blame and accusations were thrown at me like water on a fire. It deluged me with anguish, pain, regret and finally, a sense of anger. The youngest daughter's mother has sent email after email in a torrent of vile and putrid hate. The daughter, now 16 and with a beautiful new car to drive all around town, will not speak to me. The older daughter who originally went digging for the truth about the money - to the extent of calling the insurance company and the agent - has decided she has somehow evolved beyond the money. And yet, there wasn't a conversation I had with her where the money wasn't brought up. In a moment of anguish, I ended that relationship. How long can I be punished because my husband left me a small, SMALL final expense policy???

So life finds me here, wondering who my friends are, wondering who my family is. I will have to move out of the home that Chris and I bought and remodeled together. Well, I can't say we bought it because the person we bought it from on land contract says we didn't actually BUY it...we rented it with the option to buy. Of course, that was never the understanding Chris and I had about the house...especially considering the 6 months of time we spent completely remodeling that home. Completely remodeled kitchen and dining room, half bath and complete basement. New flooring, new walls, painted, refinished the kitchen cabinets and built a high counter to sit at...it will all be gone in a few weeks. The beautiful home my husband made for me...because he loved me. Gone. So I truly am beginning a new endeavor in my life complete with new home and probably a new career as well. After all, I can no longer live on just my income...unless I want to go back to a cramped apartment with a falling apart car and no luxuries, no amentities in life, where even a cell phone at $30 a month was a luxury I could barely afford.

Oh yes, life is changing, changing so much. When I look back at my life on January 5th of next year, what is it going to look like????

I guess I am getting around to that beginning talked about in "Hope Floats"...let's hope it floats up in my life, too.

What it is to love My Honey....

What does it mean to fall in love? To feel loved by one person and to love them more deeply than you ever knew was possible to love another human being? That was the love Chris and I shared. Every issuance from his body, whether it be his morning breath (peppery), his lift-his-butt-cheeks toots, his many times daily squirts of stuff to clear his nasal passages...coming from the body I loved more deeply than my own, it was all ok. The only thing I would never do was pop a zit on his back. I let Grace do that. I remember how he used to pass gas - so loud! And just like a little kid. It would kill me when he would do that in the car. I would tell him I didn't want to breath his anal poop particles. Gross! Now I would love to have another moment where he had to lift his cheek to make room for the air to express itself....it's strange to miss things like that, but I do. It was so CHRIS. You ever smell those really burny peppers they have at Mexican restaurants? Or take a sniff of the Red Hot when you are out to eat? That's the feeling I get every time it hits me - this intense burny hot pain that smarts my eyes and makes my nose start to run. It's horridible....awful. He loved me, I know he did. He loved the things I would say. He loved to see me laugh and have fun. He loved to have fun with me. He would laugh at me when I was being a nincompoop, and he'd give me this look that was so full of love and of pure pleasure in who I was...probably the best feeling in the world to be loved like that and it is my most memorable memory of him, just him looking at me like that. When I think of my honey, it is with that expression on his face, the best face I have ever known in my life. I love you my honey, you are my heart and my soul and never far from my thoughts....

Endings are Usually Sad...

One of my favorite movies is 'Hope Floats,' and my all-time favorite movie quote is from that movie: "Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what is in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will."

Now, I know I'm not supposed to start here, but I need to: endings are usually sad. The ending of one thing leads to the beginning of another. And that sort of compounds your problem, because you have the sadness of one thing ending and the scariness of whatever your next thing is going to be staring right down your throat. And wow, do I ever feel that way right now.

But mostly, I'm just teetering on the edge of despondence that my husband is gone. I get up, and I go to work, and I do all the things that I'm supposed to do like pay bills and take the kids to the places they need to go, but my heart is not in it. My heart is broken, barren, and empty. I try to keep reminding myself that I need to start making changes, decisions, do something to recover financially from the loss of my husband, but I waver and wonder and get scared; then I get determined, and I think I'm tough until a fearful thought hits me...and then I waver again. Not exactly leading the charge these days.

I'm also thinking about some of the people in my husband's life. People who meant the world to him, people who meant more to him than his own brothers. I have not heard from these people. They do not call me. They do not have contact with me. I am nothing, I presume, to them. And yet I can't help myself at these moments, when I find myself coming to the only conclusion I can bring myself to based on their actions, that if the situation were reversed, if it was one of them who passed away, Chris would be there for their wives. Their wives would not be alone. Their wives would have someone to ask about the light switch in the bathroom that is acting funny, or someone to get the Wolf Spiders out of the window well in Grace's room. That someone would be my husband, because he took care of people; it's what he did. Is it too much to have expected that I would not have to be alone without even a phone call to see if I am alright? No, that's not too much to ask, and for the gentlemen who claimed my husband as a friend but have no time to check in on his wife, I say this: you don't deserve the faithful friendship my husband gave you all these years. And I don't say that for me, I say it because it offends me on behalf of my husband who would have asked each one of his friends, please, if anything happens to me, please check on Laura and the girls. They know this, and yet I hear nothing, I see nothing of them. C'est ca - it's on them. But it does hurt my feelings.

So, I am stuck in the ending part, haven't been able to get over these humps to look at my scary beginning. For me the scary beginning, by the way, has entirely to do with the financial aspect of losing my husband and making decisions about how my family and I are going to survive financially. But as for everyone else...I am working very hard at getting over your lack of fidelity to your friendship to Chris and working on how to adjust to life alone. And those two things have my hands pretty damn full, I must say.

My New Reality

Maybe I'm more naive than the next person in life, but it has taken this long for me to realize that I truly am alone now. Life backed up 8 years when Chris died, I just didn't know it. Eight years of being a part of his life, yet without him...I am no longer a part of the life he had made in the 50 years he was here. 

I am not saying this for sympathy - in fact, I have no sympathy for myself in saying it. It is just a reality. My life is now minus Chris and all the people that were a part of his life. It makes me sad. But I understand. I was almost an afterthought in his life in terms of the time he spent with everyone else. Even his ex wives! It just makes me sad that the most important person in my life is gone and the only people around me are people that knew him less than I did.

Bottom line for me is that I miss him beyond any possible expression of grief, and there isn't a moment in my day where I don't feel bereft of the most important person in my life. I think that when this happens to you, you naturally want something to make you feel better. Being around people that loved him as much as I did would make me feel better, or at least, I think it would. But sometimes in life you don't get the thing you need.

So, I miss Chris with my children and my family and my one good friend, and I think of his friends and his family, and I wish them well. Especially because they meant so much to him. And I think of him, and I miss him, and I try to remember that he did love me and believe in me, and I can still be a happy person and make my life good. But it is just really hard to lose so much LIFE and love and people and not feel really sad.

WWSD...Today and everyday

My honey was an inspiring man. Number one, he had his priorities straight. He loved God first and foremost, and lived everyday to do the absolute best he possibly could for his family, whom he truly loved more than his own life. When you know that about a man, what more do you need to know to confirm the claim that he was inspiring? And yet, there is so much more to who he was and what he lived for.

Chris had fun every day. He was hilarious but not in a corny way. He was genuinely funny and had a million original things he did to make us laugh. I guess you could say laughter was one of his love languages. It was how he cheered us up, how he told us he loved us and that we were special. It was how we navigated our lives together - lives that had more than their share of difficulty, loss, pain and illness. It was God's blessing.

As such, Chris lived with joy, love, patience and passion for everything he loved and everything that meant something to him.


His friend Brooks Wheeler had some bumper stickers made after Chris died, and they have a peace sign and say "What Would Stubby Do?"

What would he do?

I can tell you this: he would still be living with love and with humor and really hard work because that was who he was. It was the only road he would walk in life, and I can hear him saying to me, "Come on, honey, you can do it!"

I have to go on living my life without the man who was my soul's love, my heart and my honey. I can not let myself dwell on the fact he is gone. I can only look forward and live a life that would make him proud.

Because that is what Stubby would do.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:S Albee St,Grand Haven,United States

Chris, this is for you...from Emily

All I can think of is My Honey....

Rest in peace, my love.

I love you, my honey

It hits me when I least expect it. I'm here at work, typing away being oh-so-productive when suddenly the bottom drops out of my stomach: my honey is gone. I keep trying to wrap my mind around this reality that I will never see you again. The years stretch before me, endlessly dripping into the beyond, and all I can think of is - what will I do without you? To accept that all the plans we made, the anticipation of growing old together - it will never happen. I never get to hug you again, I never get to laugh with you. That concept just doesn't want to go down. I feel it stuck in my chest, and I try to swallow it up and accept it, but it remains like a fossilized lump in my throat. Oh, honey, I love you so much! Help me be strong today. <3