Monday, May 09, 2005

A Very Few Regrettable Things

I have received several emails from fans asking what has happened to prevent me from regaling you with my special brand of humor as of late. Completely caught up in my own life, I had downgraded you all as a non-priority. But no more! I realize I have an obligation to Keep My Promise: making life good for you through examples from me. So…finding it befitting a person of excellence to be completely open and honest, I thought I would enlighten you regarding a few of the more regrettable things about my personality. You may decide if it dims the sheen of my halo.

1. I sing the guitar solos in all my favorite rockin songs. I know, I know...shameful. A habit I acquired during my brief tenure as Dork in Residence. So far the hypnosis hasn't eradicated it, but I'm sure to strike on a cure soon.
2. I have been known to do my nails as I drive down the street. Priorities, people. If I die, I can't do it with cracked, chipped nail polish.
3. I spit my gum out my window going down the road. I like to shoot it out high and far-I can really make that thing fly, even when whipping down the road at 55 MPH. Often, I hope the people in cars around me observe my trajectory with awe and wonder.
4. While doing that, I once spit it out the passenger window from the driver's seat and missed. OK, it was last summer. Apparently it landed inside the well of the door handle. My boyfriend pointed it out to me as he was getting out of my car, and I did what any normal, intelligent woman would do in such a circumstance: I blamed it on my children.
5. Another odd car-related behavior is that I often have epiphanies behind the wheel. Whether I am overcome with regret, sadness or joy, it often results in erratic driving behavior. Look, if you see me on the street, just get away. It's really better if you do.
6. I have a deep-seeded mistrust of that guiding light known as "common sense." Whatever my instinct tells me to do, I usually do the opposite. Perhaps that sheds a little light on the interview with myself. J Thanks, James.
7. I constantly shed hair. OK, that may not be a personality quirk, but it adds to the overall package.
8. I make great first impressions, but rarely good long-lasting ones. Hmph.
9. I AM INCONSISTENT. Sort of on purpose. It adds to the genuine intrigue that surrounds my life.
10. I am not a high maintenance woman, but I do expect complete and utter devotion from my friends, family, people that love me. It's not that I think anyone owes me anything. It's just that you should give it to me. Kind of like ownership by proxy. If you have it and I need it, don't you think you should give it to me? See, it just feels good.
11. OK, that last one was meant to be facetious. Except that everyone will say it's true. C'est ca.
12. I say I'm open, but I'm not. I say I like people, but I don't. I say I'm funny, but I'm not. Don't listen to anything I say. Well, except about the whole excellence thing. I'm right about that.
13. Here's another thing. I'm one of those people that speak with absolute certainty and authority, but am often wrong. But I'm very good about admitting it.
14. I don't lose my keys, my purse or anything I'm carrying. I don't lock my keys in my car. I don't forget things. But occasionally I do one or all of these things. Part of the intrigue thing.
15. I have been known to turn the wrong way on the same street three times in a row. Return home up to three times for forgotten items in the same morning. Find three left shoes, no rights. And I've been known to bounce three checks in a row. Three is my lucky number.

Oh, I could go on like this forever. It's such fun. But you get the idea. I hope I have inspired you with a few ideas of your own. Have fun being intriguing, inconsistent and just a little bit dorky. People will love you for it, too.

3 comments:

DCveR said...

"I am not a high maintenance woman"
Right...
I almost burst laughing... every Woman is high maintenance, only women come cheap. Real Women, are not just high maitenance: it goes far beyond the usual economical concepts. A woman can take away a man's money, but a Woman can take away a man's money, his dreams, his soul... But she will also give him a lot: new dreams, a new life, real happiness.
Ups... just noticed this may sound like a compliment, that would be so not like me...

Marcheline said...

Things I have in common with you: Numbers 1,3,4,5,7,9,13,14,and 15.

Chai-rista said...

The gum in the door is so funny. Reminds me - My parents came to visit us soon after we'd rented a huge house in the country. We had thrown tea bags under one of the shrubs - hey, compost, right? My dad saw those tea bags laying the yard and said something about how did that get there, so I went off telling him about those nasty-ass people that lived in the house before we moved in. The nerve of them, throwing tea bags under bushes. LOL!!!