Monday, December 05, 2005

Dwelling in the zone where black and white clash

It is amazing the mental overhaul emotional trauma brings with it. I find myself each day under a new spate of realizations, as though the mental and emotional searing I experienced when those horrible words were screamed at me has resulted in a debriding of the deceptive thoughts that had held me captive for so long. I woke up today realizing that loving someone doesn't make them true. Loving someone doesn't mean that you would be happy together. Happiness is the result of two people who make the best decisions for each other. Believing in someone doesn't mean that they won't hurt you over and over and over again, and might never stop. Being true to someone doesn't mean allowing them close enough to strike if they've struck before. Loving from a distance is a far better fate than being up close, within striking range. And right now I'm in a safe place, a place I want to stay.

7 comments:

Marcheline said...

It sucks to have to think thoughts like that any time of year, but escpecially now... hope you meet someone wonderful soon that makes all this a dim memory.

- M

Marcheline said...

P.S. Select the word verification option for comments and you won't have to deal with any more spam-bloggers.

-M

shortensweet said...

I know it's hard. I know the pain. It really will hurt more then it will start fading. Then it will hurt again, then it will fade. It happens like that..but once you're finally over it, I hope you can take something from what you've been thru, learn and grow from it. Plus...let yourself be angry with him too, I had a really hard time with that.

bunnyjo georg said...

I'm not so angry as disappointed that he wasn't worthy of the love and respect that I lavished on him. C'est la vie translated means, that is life. This experience truly is the stuff of life: learning from the strikes and gutters are all part of the game.

DCveR said...

Loving someone is not really a choice. Loving from afar and keeping a distance out of fear is not loving.
Loving someone is not necessarily the same as being loved by that someone, and even when it is there is no warranty to it, it can stop being so one day. This last bit is the tricky part of course.
Like anything in our life, the tricky parts of loving someone can backfire and hurt us a lot, but we are fighters and we get up again (and don't you dare saying otherwise).
Now if I were you I wouldn't be posting anything like this post, but on the other hand, if you hadn't posted it I wouldn't be here telling you so, so I guess it is time for me to shut up.
Take care.

bunnyjo georg said...

DCvR: Never would I tell thee to shut up, oh wise and wonderful sage. :) I don't know what to think about your statement that you would never post anything like this. I don't think anything about posting it, I guess because I tend to live life up close and open wide. As for being a fighter, it is only a virtue when we are fighting for the right things, otherwise we are damn fools. I think that my energy is now going in the right direction, and I'm no longer beating my head against a brick wall! So yay for me!

Mom said...

I have said it before and I'll say it again...some people's love just doesn't do you any good. There is loving with hope, and loving hopelessly. That being said, I really feel like you've stepped over some invisible but very significant line in your emotional growth. I feel like you finally feel some hope. And I for one am happy about that.