Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Why Remaining Single for All of Eternity Would Be a Blessing:

True tales from dating hell.

After making out on the beach (spoken with surprise):
“I’d actually date you!” This, just before my recently-dumped boyfriend showed up and scared the hell out of him. He jumped in his van and ran over all his camping gear that was piled up in front of it. Apparently he felt he needed to make a quick exit! Ah, how I’ve relived that moment with relish over the years!

With fondness:
“You are easy on the eyes, you know that?” Actually, I didn’t - I had no idea what it meant. When he explained to me that he was complimenting me, I felt insulted.

“You’re the marrying kind of girl, not the dating kind of girl.” Perhaps he felt I wasn’t going to give it up anytime soon.

“You would be the perfect package-beautiful-irresistible-sexy-etc if you just lost 5-10-50 pounds.” This I’ve heard MULTIPLE times. Little did they realize, I am all of that now. I would just be MORE beautiful, irresistible and sexy if I lost weight…which would actually be good, because it would put me way out of any of those guys’ reach. J

“If the side of the barn needs painting, by all means paint it.” This was spoken by a man who doesn’t “believe” that women should wear make-up, but he was willing to make an exception in my case, I guess.

“It’s my pee-jar.” This was all the explanation I got after discovering a nearly-full milk jug in the closet containing a suspiciously yellow fluid. He did NOT find it humorous when I put it in the fridge and labeled it “for his drinking pleasure.”

“I’d just love to come home to some bologna in the refrigerator and some Hamburger Helper on the stove!” This was spoken by my ex-husband after I had been buying expensive deli select meat and rushing home from my exhausting, demanding corporate job every night to cook elaborate dinners. Was I lucky or what?

This I’ve heard from every boyfriend I’ve ever dumped (with some variation):
“Look, don’t do anything rash. If you ever feel lonely, before you go picking up some jerk from a bar or whatever, just know you can always call me.” Thanks, I’ll remember that.

“Unless it’s got blood, sex, aliens, serial killers or a lot of fighting, it’s a chick flick and the only reason a guy is going to see it is because he wants to poke-poke-poke.” So I guess seeing “Memoirs of a Geisha” is out, right?

Which just goes to show, crazy is as crazy does. Although I could go on in this vein for some time, I thought I would give YOU a chance to share the misery. What is the craziest thing YOU'VE heard from a man's lips?


shortensweet said...

"I'm getting ready to dump my old lady, and I was thinking to myself, Travis, what you need is a real cute, hefty girl, and damn girl, I think you could be it"

Uh..thanks? Check please...

or my new favorite

"Dirty Whore" that otta get her everytime.

bunnyjo georg said...

Wow, James, those are pretty bad, must say. But that's just because you are a dirty whore.

Mom said...

If I can stop laughing long enough to think of something...okay...here it is...this of course was many years ago...my boyfriend of 2 years took me out to our backyard and, while holding me close and looking very sad, said, "If anything happened to me that I couldn't see you for a long time, will you promise to wait for me?" Of course I innocently agreed to wait for him. So when he failed to show up for our next Saturday date, I called his mother and she said, "OH, didn't he tell you? He is getting married today."

bunnyjo georg said...

Yes, men can be the epitome of ass-wipe-ness. I had a similar thing said to me recently, but out of a misplaced loyalty chose not to share it.

Marcheline said...

Add to that: Making out and he says, "Oh, Janet!"..... needless to say, my name is NOT Janet.

- M

Chai-rista said...

Poke-poke-poke . . . hahaha!! Hysterical!

“You would be the perfect package-beautiful-irresistible-sexy-etc if you just lost 5-10-50 pounds.”
The only reply to this is, "God you'd be the perfect package if you only had 10, 15, 20 more IQ points. I can lose weight, but you're never going to get any smarter . . ."

ok - here's mine. I dated this guy who I knew from childhood, so we went way back. His favorite "compliment" to me was "You're a sexy sow." His second fav compliment was "You're eyes are pretty - bullshit brown, but pretty."

What a silver tongue! Bring on the marryin' man, Festus! Jay-sus!

This was the same guy who promised to make me a "one dick woman." I can hardly type those words without falling over laughing. "I'm going to make you a one dick woman." hahaha!!!!
Well, maybe so, but not his.