Growing

With clarity comes release. At least with toxic, horrific experiences. He won’t apologize, he won’t make anything right, so my choices are accept it or not. Period. No other choices.

But I think I found a way round the end. To find healing while not forgiving. Because not forgiving him is crucial to me feeling like I had some effectuality on the way all of this turned out. I can’t sacrifice the rest of my life to his judgement and disregard of me. I have to establish my own sense of humanity and goodness over and in opposition to what he has done to me.

I have come to a place of peace about never forgiving him. It is my protection against him ever coming back into my life. And it is how I’m establishing that I never deserved any of it. To forgive him is to validate his rejection of me. I will never validate that. I was wonderful to him. Not a perfect person, as this does not exist. But an honest, loving, compassionate, and forgiving person. On top of being fun, funny, sexy, and sparkily funky, I was also great in bed. What the hell was he thinking?

It’s taken me two years to get here. Two years of crying over him. Thinking I could do something to redeem myself. Reality is, no redemption was needed. He broke down. He couldn’t function in a normal, healthy, loving relationship. Not troubled. Not difficult. Just normal.

Someday there will be someone else. Someone I adore. Until then, I’ll just be me doing all my me stuff. Bonhauer avec moi.