In his comments below, ISA, ISE made a very good point, the MOST important point, in my opinion. People who go hard after material things often lose sight of what makes life enjoyable. My concern, however, was that I am not meeting the basic needs of my children. That doesn’t feel good.
Reading between my somewhat over-emotional lines, the basic dilemma was this: in order to make a living wage for my family, I have to make more money. Because of the current economic conditions in my part of the country, this isn’t feasible without more training. The training part is going to cost me about $3000 up front. If I’m not meeting the needs the way things are now, I have no hope of saving the money I need for school. A complete and total catch-22.
Now, if I were truly wise, I would follow ISA and Chai’s advice (given via email) to count my blessings and be content the way things are. The reason I’m not content is because every month I’m in danger of something: cell phone shut off, not being able paying rent, kids walking around without boots or whatever. That’s why I’m stressing. Last fall it was so bad I was grinding my teeth so hard at night I would wake up with excruciating pain all along my jaw. I wasn’t sleeping and taking about six ibuprofen to alleviate the pain. Now that I’m working again, I’m not stressing out that bad, but whereas last fall I was literally falling out, now I’m just teetering on the edge. Truth is, I’d like a little room, just a little, between me and the edge.
Considering everything, I will take ISA and Chai’s advice, so watch while I count my blessings. I’m glad to even have a job right now, even if it doesn’t pay well. I’m happy that the girls and I have a nice apartment, even if it is quite small. I’m really happy that I live close enough to work that I could walk if my car breaks down. I’m glad that the girls are old enough to take care of themselves if say….for instance….I were to have them be latch-key kids to save the $300-400 a month I am currently paying for child care. And I’m glad that I have people that care about me. Really glad.
One last thing I would like to say regarding my mental health: I ride the waves of my despair as passionately as I ride the waves of my triumph and joy. Being freaked out about not being able to pay bills is NORMAL, not an indication of serious mental problems. While depression is the first culprit everyone would think of, the truth is that I don’t fit the profile. I still get up everyday, do productive work, keep myself looking nice, take care of my home (albeit with lackluster performance at times), and maintain a modicum of contact with others. I’d say I’m functioning pretty well. However, my big concern is that I do get awfully discouraged and so I want to do something about my circumstances so I can have hope that someday, yes, things WILL be better.
And maybe then I can be one of those happy people. And Grace and Emily, too.
Oh, and to further define happiness, here it means being able to pay my bills and provide what my girls need, too. Not exactly demanding, am I?
Oh, and just so you all know, my best friend in the world, Ms. Melly Girl, helped me come up with a very realistic short term plan to get me through the next six months or so. Then I can begin making the big changes.
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5 comments:
Right... I've just read this post, the last post and the comments. I agree with isa, isae to some extent, I know how you feel about providing for your kids and how that can hinder other solutions like moving to a different place or going on a different life style.
True enough you have people who care and lots of other blessings.
But most of all there is a blessing you seem to be failing to see: your kids have you. Don't you ever underestimate that one, no matter how hard things are or how little you think you're giving them. My favorite niece's mother is gone, passed away when the girl was 3. She doesn't lack anything material and there are a lot of people who love her, still she wanted to have her mommy here to hold her. When your kids grow up they'll value your struggle and they'll know how lucky they were to have you. Hope in spite of all that you manage to have a nice christmas together.
Hey! I didn't say be content with the way things are!! No way!!!
I said, Get mad as hell and MAKE the way things are CHANGE. Focus your anger on a positive outcome. Burn away obstacles with rage. Use wrath constructively.
Most people don't use anger that way - so maybe I wasn't completely clear . . . but I NEVER said count your blessings and sit in a corner being happy with things as they are.
Hehe, it wasn't exactly my point either; never be content! Seek out your goals and dreams, but the trip there should also be worthwhile...
Well sister, you know I'd love to say something encouraging, but all of the stuff you said about being in a constant state of dropping over the edge is true.
I've never seen anything like it -- you're whole adult life has beent this way. I could cite things you've contributed to the problem but you know what? You just have rotten luck, all the time.
Anyhow, I'm always afraid to give you advice because my life's turned out great, and I feel like that disqualifies me from being helpful to someone going through your circumstances. BUT, what I can do is tell you that I love you, and that I will always be here to help you when you need me.
Just call.
Oh, and deleting half your blog ... that's just plain weird.
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