Goodnight Moon

I had an epiphany. There are happy people in the world. They have problems like everyone else, but basically overall, their life is a happy one. You know… good friends and good times. Things to look forward to. Experiences they will treasure a lifetime. Memories rich in love, laughter and all that shit.

No so, my life. Nor is the life my children lead a happy one.

This is my fault. I’m not good at faking it. I try but fail at putting on a brave face. The moment to moment thoughts and emotions are always written all over my face. I can’t help it, I just have one of those ultra-expressive faces and a personality that lets it all loose. People sure don’t have to wonder what I’m thinking.

So right now I’m thinking about what a miserable life I’ve created for my children. I exist and they are forced to make do. I am so deeply disappointed by repeated failures, broken dreams and dashed hopes that I have been crawling inside myself every day until the blessed clock says I can go hide in my bedroom for the night. I don’t want to interact with them. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I spend my time with my brain reeling trying to figure out a way to get myself back on track. And I always end up at the same place: I can’t.

I know it doesn’t take money to make people happy. But people have to have a sense that their life is meaningful. Unfortunately for me and my children, I wasn’t really cut out to be a mom. I don’t derive my supreme pleasure in life from being super-mom. I try, but no matter how hard I try, my children will always get the short end of the stick because….just because my mind doesn’t work right, I guess.

I worry incessantly about how to get us out of poverty-level living. That thought leads me on the exercise wheel that leads me nowhere. I live in an area where the job skills I have acquired are devalued, driving the wages down and increasing competition for jobs. To make matters worse, the recent spate of lay-offs over the past four years have put a lot of highly-qualified workers into the job market.

Here’s a good example: a month ago, I placed a help-wanted ad for a receptionist. I composed the ad and here is how it read: “Receptionist, light clerical. $8/hour full time.” I thought offering $8 an hour was a long-shot for getting someone of value, despite the fact that I don’t make much more than that (and I do consider myself someone of value…but I was desperate and not in a position to pick and choose.) To my surprise, we have received over 100 resumes so far, the majority of which are not only over-qualified, but also more qualified to do my job than I am!

So, my only choice, obviously, is to either move away where my skills are not yet devalued or go back to college to get a degree in a different field. I am disinclined to move away because A. I know I’m not a great mom and my girls need the love and support of my family here and B. without further training, I will always end up back at this place in life: our economy favors skilled specialists and right now I have the equivalent of high school level skills plus experience.

Going back to college is my preference. I am a great journalist. It is something I do really, really well, and I it is something I really, really enjoy. However, in order to go back to school, I’d have to pay for my college for the first year until I get off academic probation. Right now I can barely cover my living expenses because of the high cost of child care and my low wage. There’s no way I can afford to put aside $1500 a semester for books and tuition. I can’t even afford to get the heater in my car fixed.

So, people, you see that I am pretty stuck. And being stuck and being unhappy and being a lackluster slightly neglectful mom makes me feel even more unhappy. All this unhappiness breeds resentment and frustration and eventually anger and despair. I am one miserable bitch. And it is affecting every area of my life.

That is why I’ve deleted so many of my posts here. It is all drivel upon drivel upon drivel. You see, it is hard to raise your thoughts to important issues and to think clearly about them when you are wondering-hoping-praying you’ll be able to pay your rent this month. And that your car doesn’t go out, because if it does, then you’ll be walking everywhere. And hoping that no one repossesses your daughter’s viola because you haven’t made a payment in three months. You see, things like that keep my mind reeling in the few moments it isn’t trying to think its way out of the rat-trap existence I’ve created for myself.

I know a lot of you will have well-meaning advice for me. But I’d like to caution you about this: I would guess that the majority of you live in a pretty happy place in life. Perhaps not everything is perfect, but overall you are probably pretty happy. Your advice will come from that place of reasonably well-met needs and expectations about life. I am different. I am disenfranchised from your life because my needs have never been met, and my expectations about life have disappointed me at every turn. Here’s what I know: If I need things to go a certain way to make things turn out, they will go the opposite. If I need timing to work out, it won’t. Life continually kicks me right straight in the ass.

Now, most of you will read this and think that it is a bunch of self-pitying crap. Perhaps it is, but then on the other hand, if what I’ve share is accurate and true, it wouldn’t really be self-pity, would it? Wouldn’t it then simply be an accurate description of an unhappy existence?

I don’t know what my future holds. I keep thinking that if I keep trying, eventually things will turn around for me. But in order for that to hold true, I really must make some decisions about whether to move or somehow sponge off someone so I can afford to go back to college. In my moments of despair, however, it is running away or jumping off a cliff that holds my attention. I don’t think it’s fair that Grace and Emily got me for a mom. I’ve really made a mess of their lives, and that makes me feel really, really bad. Do I prolong their misery by sticking around? Only if there is reasonable hope that things really can change. So far, I don’t see much evidence that they can.

Now, I have said all this because I want all of you to understand why I have had such a hard time being consistent in this blog the last few months. If I don’t delete this blog altogether, I think I am going to go in a completely different direction with it. For all of my readers, that may mean you won’t come back. C’est ca. Right now I have bigger fish to fry.