I cut my hair this morning. I put it in a pony tail and chopped. One and a half year's of growth...gone. One and a half year's worth of ugliness, pain, deceit and humiliation GONE. If only it were that simple.
What is it about a woman cutting her hair that symbolizes the end of an era? The end of something that needs to be forgotten? Cutting off or removing from herself the embodiment of her identity with something? For me, yes. All of these things and more. It is a direct rejection of what was once a treasured by the offending beast. Goodbye my lover.
I hate myself right now. I mean deep, down intense malignity toward everything I identify as being myself right now. I have changed so much over the past few years. Everything about that just makes my stomach turn.
I am heart sick. Everything that comes out of me is diseased. Every thought. Every emotion. Anything I say is only true this moment. As my thoughts churn and dredge up a new thought, my emotions swing into gear, kicking the ass of everything that was true two minutes ago. This is wreaking havoc on my poor children. And my job. And me.
I know this reeks of self-pity, and for that, I'm equally disgusted with myself. Oh, Laura, just screw it.
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8 comments:
Bunnyjo - Wow, I can relate to the pain of lavishing love on someone who only uses it to hurt you. But don't do what I did, which was stow the pain for 20 years and let it block the flow of goodness in life.
Cutting you hair was a good move. You are already moving toward a better life. Now - it might be a good idea to get some anti-depressants to help you through this period. Please do. Also, please see a grief counselor, hypnotist or psychiatrist ASAP - it may sound stupid, but they can save you from years of unneeded pain.
Journaling will help move the negative out of your system. Just scream it all out in a notebook. Don't censor yourself.
Most important, be really nice to yourself. Good follows good. So, gently try to focus on what is good in your life for a few minutes every day. Breath into that space. Relax into thoughts of the good. Tell your life you want more good and good you will have. (Seriously - this is one method I used to create a life where I get snow capped mountains and tea parties.
;)
You are a strong person and you are better every day - Hugs!
I know the pain. I know it well. It will hurt for a while I think seeing someone would help you in numerous ways. Help you with the pain, the anger, the hurt and mostly give you the tools you need to put it behind you and grow. Your children need you to be the rockin cool Mom they love, and your sister needs you to be the fun girl who knocks on the wrong apartment doors. Don't let her win by letting this control your life.
I do believe you have a family and friends that should be enough to help you through this self-pity phase, but if all that is not enough, get some professional help. You're babling a lot of nonsense. You seem to be a great person and all that self-hatred is nothing but a projection on yourself of all the things you failed to see in someone else. But we all fail to see the faults in our loved ones, always. Even when we see those faults we forgive, because there is always something else to make up for those faults. When things go wrong that doesn't necessarily mean someone is horrible, but most important of all, even if someone is horrible it doesn't seem to be you. I know there's very little I know about you, but from all that I've read here and on your bro's and sis' blogs you're not that ugly monster you're trying to see in the mirror right now. So stop, get a grip on yourself, get help if you need to and get up again. You don't need a pat on the back right now, what you need is a kick on your but to get moving!!!
CHAI: Cutting the hair was most definitely cathartic! Thus, my mantra begins....good things! good things! good things! Tea parties, here I come!
SHORTY: As much as it hurts, I am so much better off without a person who screams at me on the phone. I had a dream the other night, and I believe it was prophetic. Had Dan and I stayed together, Julie would have made my life a living hell.
DCvR: Oh, you said so much with which I agree. Loving someone is a two-edged sword. You've got to love and accept a person as they are; if you can't, you are not the person for them. But that entails loving them in spite of their faults, some of which - perhaps - should not be overlooked. That is what I think
How about if I draw a picture of you with short hair, and make that your profile pic?
If you're still really hating yourself right now, I could draw warts and blacked out teeth and a tall pointy black hat.
BTW, comment on my blog whenever you update your blog, there's like, five entries here I haven't read. I can't be responsable for looking in your window everyday to see if your home or not, you need to hang out a sign, like "the basket-case is 'IN'" or something.
After seeing your wife's artwork, that isn't such a great idea! How about finding a really great picture of me...wait, that probably won't happen. Well, come see me. I've got some great pics of me. And I think I know JUST the one! I took it the night after the big blow up. I woke up early in the morning, like 3 am, and was half drunk, half asleep and took pictures of myself flipping off the world. They rock!
Boy, life sure gets messy sometimes. There isn't any quicker picker-upper for this. I have read all the comments and everyone has something wise to say that I hope will console you. I know advice won't solve your problem, but I am sure of one thing: This too shall pass. Someone I thought I could die for I now feel indifference for. Yet at the time I thought it would destroy me. No matter how painful it is now, it's going to get better. Meanwhile if you really want to get drunk, I know a really good designated driver...me!
If that is the case your little bitch ass better wait for me. Mom can't be the DD without me being along. Besides, you wouldn't have any fun with your loco sista to help you get your grove on.
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