Hate Mail

7/28/05

subject: What is wrong with you?

"Laura --
You don't warrant another second of my time, however, I just can't help writing to share with you a glimpse of the grief you continue to be a part of in my life. Of course you have not been alone in your supremely selfish behavior, and that fact is what hurts me the most intensely. Through all this bullshit, Xxx and I continue to struggle through our problems in the hopes that we may salvage our marriage.

What amazes me is that you continue to harass my family. Your ridiculous juvenile actions are something I am glad that I don't understand. How can a woman who tries so hard to seem intelligent (with your wonderful French expressions thrown about) be such a disgusting excuse for a person? How self-righteous and pretentious you are.

What galls me is that I actually felt sorry for you. But no more! You are perhaps the most pathetic immature person I have ever had the good fortune NOT to meet. You are so pitiful--I have no idea how someone with such little character can even function in society.

Do you think of life as some kind of cute dramatic movie? It is not! Please try to control yourself! Your behavior impacts others -- most importantly, real children! Whatever happened to being a decent human being? I had hoped that you were capable of becoming one. Again and again I am proven wrong.

Please move on with your life--to Ohio or any state where they may have a specialist for someone with no conscience.

Au revoir et bon debarras, Xxxxx Xxxxxx"

I know what you are thinking. WTH? Here's the thing: for each one of us there are mile markers along that road that demarkate where we have traversed in our often-meandering paths of life. I have many things I look back on that are mile markers for me. This email is a mile marker. When I read this email, as I often do, I am reminded of where I allowed myself to go and what I let go of in terms of my own esteem and value, to get there.

There are other things I think of when I read this email. I think that she must be a pretty nice person because she could have said a lot worse things to me than she did. I think of two little girls whom I've never met, never will meet, that I love. I think of the hurt I've caused them. I think of the human-ness of wanting something to call your own, of the nature of that ownership. I think of my own two little girls and how protective I would feel of them. But I also think of personal responsibility. Mine. Hers. Theirs. There are many things I think of when I read this email. But the thing that still twists a knife in me is that her anger and insults were warranted. I behaved badly.

Milemarkers being what they are, I also think about how far I've moved away from that place in life. And I vow never to go back.