Monday, August 15, 2005

Yours Truly, The Ass

I realize that this will come as a complete shock to most of my dear readers, but I have done something Completely Stupid. A momentary aberration, you are no doubt thinking. Tis not so! Unfortunately, this is only the latest installment of many mishandled situations in my life all harking back to one minor itty-bitty flaw: the inability to need someone. Or need help. Or need anything I can't supply myself.

What happened was this: you know those pivotal moments in life when you really need to just be completely transparent, even if it makes you look completely needy and weak? Well, I'm really bad at those. When I'm in that situation, my mind instantly reverts to ANY other position than weakness or neediness. To be quite honest, I get this mind-block thing, almost like a panicky thing happening and neediness or weakness or vulnerability actually ceases to be an option. It goes right out of my brain. It isn't a dishonesty thing. It's just that neediness, weakness or whatever presents itself in my mind as a problem to be addressed, so I address it by putting myself into the un-needy or un-weak position. So instead, I make these stupid decisions that put what it is that I really need and really want in jeopardy. Those of you who know me are thinking of many examples of this right now. Come on, I know you are....be honest.

Oh, and before you get started, yes, I know this is a global village and that truly no one does anything on their own and to be completely honest, the only thing we all have in common is our need for other people, our need for help, our inability to provide everything we need for ourselves. I know all this but my knee-jerk reaction independant-ness prevents me from taking advantage of these realities in my personal relationships. To be quite precise, the knee jerk reaction keeps me from having personal relationships. And quite recently, this damn knee jerk reaction made me say some really stupid things to someone I really care about all because I couldn't utter the words embedded in my heart, the undeniable truths: I love you and I need you and more than anything, I want to enjoy your company every day of my life because I genuinely enjoy who God made you to be and having you as a part of my life - just knowing you are there - makes me very, very happy. You want to give me what I want? Give me you.

But nooooooooo. Instead I basically said I don't really need you in my life. I said I don't really want to hang around, I've got other people who want to be a part of my life. Like I said, truly an Ass.

8 comments:

DCveR said...

If you do say so.
I am surely not one to disagree with you on this one, truly I am not.
Although I must confess I felt tempted to make a few jokes with the 'ass' word.
And now what? You come to the conclusion you are an ass, you accepted it, ok, and then what?
Are you going to do something about it or are you just preparing to get elected for something?

the Dad. said...

It sounds to me like a situation where transparent honesty would have been the worst possible course of action.

Run! Far away! Fast!

Digital Assassin said...

HAHAHA... oh, wait, that wasn't quite what I wanted to say.

Oh, yeah, this is it...

So why are you blaming yourself for doing what has been trained into you to do. I mean, you're simply protecting yourself from being taken avantage of by someone who obviously is not making you feel comfortable enough to express those feelings of love.

If you ask me, the number one problem with people today is that they DO believe love is everything. Love is important, but without comfort and support, it's just a hole that you fill with someone that makes you feel good when they're around.

I don't know the details of this relationship, but from what I've seen elsewhere, love is the trap of life that keeps us from realizing our own true potential... love is the drug that we take willingly, even when we know how much coming down will hurt... love can be wonderful, but without ration and personal worth, love is just a hole to be filled.

(no I had not intended any sexual inuendo (sp?)

shortensweet said...

I think Adam Sandler said it best...LOVE STINKS

bunnyjo georg said...

DCvR: I like my loveable assity. It gives me distinction. I am prepared to accept my awards.

Daddy: don't jump to any conclusions.

digital: love isn't nearly as important as friendship. Isn't friendship grand? If you're good, I'll pass you a note later. :)

shortensweet: yeah, love stinks...exspecially when people aren't bathing afterwards. gross!

Bonnie Blithe said...

I'm jumping to conclusions along with Daddy on this one - AND agreeing with him, but you didn't need me to post it to know that, luv!
You had my knickers in a twist with your *last* post, so if I'm wrong, let me know! Since I"m right: feel free to keep on ignoring my advice, I'll love you anyways. And I'll only say "I told you so" once in a while. ;)

DCveR said...

Jokes apart you know how much of an ass I really think you are... but please don't go out there do something stupid just to prove me wrong!
;)

bunnyjo georg said...

MOI?!?!

Honestly, my fans underestimate me. I excel at many things; being an ass is just one of them.

love love