Monday, January 30, 2006

Revenge does a heart good

There are moments in life when we should just turn the other cheek. You know, like when your ex shows up unannounced and ruins your Christmas Eve. No reason to make a scene, just walk out and hope for a better holiday next year.

But sometimes someone does something that truly deserves a response in kind. Like the boss who promised a promotion only to give it ot a less qualified co-worker. Or a cheating significant other who gave you a social disease. Or maybe a neighbor who...well, you get the idea. Here is the ideal gift for all those deserving people on your shit list (Absolutely PERFECT for people who let their dog crap on other people's lawns):

DCvR, I think you've run into a few Customer Service Reps who have earned their own doggy doo!

If you have a more evil twist to your nature, you may enjoy a few of these bumper stickers which can be fertively applied without the car owner's knowledge. I found some great ones at ebay with the keywords "revenge bumper stickers." Stickers I'd love to see going down the road include (but are not limited to):
"Paycuts for cops"
"My other car is a broom"
"Driver is masturbating"
"I suffer from camel toe"

And for those that have challenged friends, you can give them the 411 at

For friends, neighbors and co-workers who have no concept of hygiene, you can send a happy gram containing soap, deoderant and the following letter (excerpt):

Dear (whoever), . . .Your body odor is so foul that I would rather smell babies diapers for a living than stand next to you for more than 10 seconds. . . I do know where you are from, but in America we shower regularly and use soap-- please change your ways. . .

Even annoying co-workers can't get away with their tired ways once they receive a flyswatter and the following letter (excerpt):

Dear (whoever), . . .In life there are those of us that were not blessed with any social skills. You are one of those people. . . Talking to you is a complete waste of my time. . . Please think before you speak,. . .You will please everyone by keeping quiet and staying to yourself.

Now, if you are like my sometimes boss, Loyd or Eddie, you'll just sue everyone that dares to cross your path. But for those of us who'd rather just torture our achilles heel a little, a prank or two does wonders. Enjoy!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Ze Fluuuuuz Blues

I want to tear off my clothes and roll on the carpet. My lungs spasm into dry, tight little tickly-coughs that make my head pound with each spasmodic contraction of my diaphram. I can feel the overwrought muscles of my neck squeal and squirm. My body hunkers up with achiness as my fever soars. I just want to rip open my shirt and splash water all over my chest, fan my skirt out swishingly fast, kick off my heels and rub my stockinged feet all over the nubbly carpet. My body needs comfort.

I've lived on a steady diet of TheraFlu, ibuprofen, Mucinex, Delsym, anti-oxidant tea, water and orange juice. And a few oranges. And some toast. And an occassional meal. Not that my scale would notice any difference. Those ibuprofen must be packed with calories.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Just not a savvy girl

Do any of you use the "Next Blog" button at the top of the screen there? It'll randomly take you to the next blog. I've found some of my favorite fellow-bloggers that way. Chai and Au$10 (pronounced Austin) and Cbreaux and some others (whose blog addresses now reside in the electronic dust bin) have all come from this nifty little button.

Perusing the madness that lives out there in Blogland has helped me realize how incredibly bad some people write. There is some REAL crap out there. The crap is good, though, because it makes my blog look *stellar*!

The down side, however, is that it makes me realize how incredibly un-savvy I am. Take, for instance, Chai or Au$10's blogs. Not only do they keep up on current events (bravo!), but they are always finding fascinating things on-line to blog about. They epitomize techno-savvy blogging. Cool links. Cool pics. They even use cool fonts. Not so, me.

Problem is, I just go blank when I try to find things on-line. I actually spend time trying to think of things I can look up. I go to newspages trying to find interesting articles to get the creative juices flowing. I use google. I try to think of things. I look around me for inspiration. I try to recall things that inspired me before. I try to make mental notes of things to look up. All to no avail!

It's like going to a restaurant with a 500-page menu when you are gurgling-ly hungry. It is just completely overwhelming. The possibilities are too endless. There are too many choices. Most of the time I find myself chasing rabbit trails rife with boredom-inducing trivialities about celebrity life.

And the thing that just boggles my mind is that every day millions of people - people I know and love - enjoy hours of savvy browsing. Even the un-hip, un-intellectual and un-cultured peeps out there seem to enjoy a rich, savvy, interesting life of internet browsing.

Am I missing a browsing gene? Am I so uninteresting I can't browse savvily? Am I too sophisticated to invest my precious self into the inanities found on-line? Ah, I think I may have just found my achilles heel. Just too damn sophisticated.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Say What?

If you always think what you always thought, you'll always do what you always did and you'll always get what you always got and think what you always thought!

I don't know where the above quote came from, but me likey. It shall become my new mantra.

If I can remember it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

It's Official

According to this quiz, I'm not nerdy but definitely not hip, either. I scored a humiliating 18% on this test. Hmph. Don't mind not being nerdy, but not hip? That rankles.

Alright, now it's really, really official. After about four tries, I still can't get the html to work to put the linky-graphic thing on the post so you guys can click it and take the test. But I'm not giving up. After all, I AM nerdier than 17% of the people out there, so that should qualify me for copying effing html!

So, here goes....

I am nerdier than only 18% of all people. Chances are, you are nerdier than I am. Wanna prove it? Click this link.

Ok, obviously something went wrong. I did NOT cheat on this test. Honest! But I can't get it to put my score in, so you'll just have to imagine is says I scored a paltry 18%. And it didn't use the text I put in there, either. It was smart and witty. Exactly who isn't cool, huh?

Um, thanks are going out to Chai'Rista for the inspiration. I think.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Commit your crimes in Muskegon, people

According to a recent report, the jail there has 340 beds. As of this past weekend, they had 414 inmates. A lot of bad peeps are getting an early release, doods.

Monday, January 16, 2006


Let me just admit that I have struggled with anger issues all my life. I have a flash temper that goes off with all the accompanying fireworks of Independence Day. I’ve been known to dump beverages on people, knock people off the toilet (!), slam doors, throw platefuls of food, keys and tea sets across the room, kick people, cars and trees, punch, slap, spit and gouge. And that was all just last week (tee hee).

Thinking about why I get angry and what my motivation is in allowing the anger to explode out of me is a profound awakening. From my earliest memories of being angry, it is always preceded by a sense of powerlessness. It was my response to feeling helpless and unable to control an outcome. It is where I go when I don’t know what to do to make someone do what I want or make things go right in my life. And it is not at all productive. Not the way I do it.

Anger has a valid purpose and expression, but as a tool to manipulate responses out of people or situations is an abuse. According to my reading, I need to learn to feel empowered to change the circumstances or direction of a disagreement without exploding. Hmph.

I don’t exactly know how to feel more empowered. After all, if I knew I probably wouldn’t get so mad. However, I have a clue that it has to do with my thinking, the way I talk to myself during a struggle. I have definitely noticed that I tend to explode more often during times that I am thinking negative thoughts. There is a connection there, I know it.

Friday, January 13, 2006

SNL’s Dirty Little Secret

So I was tuning into Saturday Night Live over my lunch the other day just to get a glimpse of my boyfriend (Jimmy Fallon loves me) doing the Weekend Update when – gag – I had to sit through a so-called live performance by Mrs. Kevin Federline, or as I like to call her, Lil Brit.

So, she is sashaying herself all around the stage lip synching to the song! I know this because like all bad lip synchers, she is over-emphasizing her mouth movements. It was just so obvious. And the pissy thing about it is….Lil Brit gets away with it, but Ashlee Simpson doesn’t. Wah!

I did dig her outfit, though. Black and white pinstripe pants with a black pinstripe corset over a white tank top. Gorgeous! I shall be wearing that the next time yoooou all see me!

(As opposed to my red bustier under my white dress shirt ensemble….)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm a mean one, Mr. Grinch

What do you suppose is SO objectionable about getting clean?

Emily and I have been having an on-going struggle regarding her complete aversion to getting clean. She loves taking baths because she can splish-splash around with her toys for hours on end if I’d let her. But honest-to-God washing is as foreign to her as farrowing a cornfield with a mule and hand plow.

And showers? She especially hates them. The strange thing is, once she gets in there, she has fun and sings at the top of her lungs. But getting her in the shower is usually a long, painful affair.

I’ve tried coaxing her into it. I’ve tried rewards. I’ve tried explaining to her how other people think about people that don’t bathe. I’ve tried getting her to pay attention to her schoolmates and how clean and nice they look everyday. All to no avail! The worst part about it is that she has bright blond hair and it is exceptionally thick. It shows dirt and looks sickening when it is dirty. It drives me nuts!

Well…today is Emily’s birthday. She is eight years old today. Knowing that she wouldn’t want to go through the ugliness of a shower on her birthday, I told her yesterday to get in the shower. To which she replied, “I shouldn’t have to take a shower on my birthday eve, mom!”

“Emily, if you don’t take a shower today, you will have to take a shower tomorrow, on your birthday. How are you going to like that?”

Considering that she didn’t even deign to answer my question, I decided to let her have her way. A shower on her birthday it would be!

So…this morning I got her up, crooning ‘Happy Birthday’ to her. Then I ordered her into the shower. She got up - whimpering all the way – and got into the shower. Now, I was trying not to get irritated with her, but after 15 minutes of whimpering and banging around in the shower, the water still wasn’t going. I could feel my blood beginning to boil. Within five minutes, I was yelling at her and telling her that until she learned how to take a shower, turn on the water by herself and adjust it, she would take a shower EVERY DAY and wash her hair EVERY DAY. And if she came out and her hair didn’t smell perfectly clean, I would send her back in to do it again!

As my rant began to wind down, I realized she was cowering in my bed with the covers tucked under her chin and two big tears quivering at the edge of her eyelids. My heart melted.

Sitting down next to her, I put my arm around her and her little tears gushed forth. After she had calmed down, we came to an arrangement: she could take a bath everyday and spend as much time in the tub as she wanted, but when it was time to get out she’d have to stand up and wash her hair and body.

It’s a sad sight to see your little sweetheart smiling with the remnants of huge, old tears in her eyes on her birthday.

I’m so mean.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Hey Diddle Diddle

Wage earners in the middle
Throw the miners down the chute
The little coals laughed
To see such sport
While the stockholders ran away
with the loot.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

"For the mental sanctity of my readers, I am hiding the complaints contained heretofore in this particular space. Hey, maybe today will not be so boring, eh?"

Nature of the Beast

You ever notice how if you are single, a holiday such as New Year's Eve seems like such a couples holiday, but if you are a couple, particularly one-half of an unhappy couple, New Years seems like a hot time for singles? If I were Alanis Morisette I would say that was ironic. The rest of us know, however, that it is merely human nature.

Here’s another slight conundrum about human existence: we tend to really, really, really want the things that are out of reach, but when that thing begins to hover within our reach, we freak out, start splashing and it floats on away again.

This is not me mind you, just some people.

Ever notice how when you ask someone a straight question and they throw you a curve ball, arcing widely around the question, you are in some serious trouble?

Ever know someone whose character goes against what you believe to be right and true, yet you find yourself really liking them anyway? Bill Clinton was like that for me. Despite his many personal gaffes, I was truly intrigued by his Teflon-skin and cork interior. Nothing stuck and no matter how deep the shit got, he always bobbed to the surface. And thanks to the Teflon, he looked squeaky clean, as well!

I guess, put another way, you could say he was a person who, despite his personal shortcomings, was a magnificent leader, manifesting conviction and vision while inspiring those around him to carry on in the midst of chaos. That dichotomy fascinated me, causing me to voraciously read the many books written about his presidency by the staffers that worked day and day out with him. (Note: I’ve never read his book, My Life, and probably never will. In this particular case, it would be better to rely on third party observation than to rely on the spin-master’s hefty tome, which is no doubt at least 50% Clintonian fiction.)

The point here is not the sum of all these parts. It is the commonality; I adore and delve deeply into that disparity of character that allows the same person to give to the poor but cheat at his taxes. Or spoil the guinea pig with carrots and celery but poison the mice that sneak the rice and crackers. Or love his wife but cheat on her.

Within each of us lies the capability for both great harm and great good. The French poet Louis Aragon noted that “light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash."

It is that zone which makes humanity endlessly fascinating, exciting and deeply, truly loveable. Because that is me.