Tuesday, February 05, 2008

A New World

My life is different now. Part of it is being in love and being loved, truly loved, in return. I feel loved. It is a hundred different things. The way he looked at me today and said, "Honey, this food is killer." It's the way he said, "Oh, that feels sooo good." when I casually rubbed his shoulder. I'm not trying to be all Valentinesy-romantic here, but when you are in love there are a thousand things that transact in a day that say, "You are worthy, you are a good person, and I love you." My soul needs that.

Did Chris save me? Absolutely without a doubt. He saved me, but not in the way you might think. I had been single and alone for much of my adult life. The thing about being single and alone is that you can continue all the dysfunctional crap and there's no one there to confront you, there's no mirror reflecting back what your behavior is doing to those around you, the ones you love. Chris was that mirror for me. Living with someone who spends every waking moment working his heart out for the people he loves and is responsible for is confronting, especially when you are used to just plain having it your way all the time just because you want it that way. He is such a good person, he made me want tobe better, too. I had a lot to learn.

The reason I am saying all of this stuff is because I'm in a very different place in my life and that change is reflected in this blog. This blog began at a time in my life when I was very confused and very conflicted, and I was making things tremendously worse by staying involved in a bad situation, trying to figure out a way to make it work. When I read the manic posts written during that time, I can remember the torment twisting my guts every waking moment and the anxiety that never let me rest. It was hell.

I'd like to go back and erase those posts, but erasing those posts won't erase that part of my life. It is part of my story now, and like it or not, I'm stuck with it. Now, though, when I sit down to write I'm not driven by the terrible feelings I had back then which stirred my mind up into a mental frenzy of words and emotions which fell into place like stout little soldiers marching into battle; each blog post was just one more attempt to validate myself in what was ultimately a soul crushing time in my life.

Now, I sit down to write and my words are different. Don't mistake this post as a declaration that I've arrived and that I no longer struggle. Oh, I struggle. But for me struggling is part of my human condition; I have no life apart from struggle. It's just that now I focus on different things. My family is everything to me. When I sit down to write, I'm thinking of that funny thing Emily did or how Grace and Brandie are growing into such beautiful, intelligent young girls and how thankful I am every moment of my life that I have such an incredible life partner in Chris. This is healing to me. This is bringing me back to my soul and it's drawing together all the dissociated, broken parts of myself. I have a vision now of who was hiding inside of me all these years, and you know what? I am so excited. Now the question is, will I have the courage to become the woman I was meant to be? You will have to tune into this blog to see. But I'm guessing that with the love and support of the best man on this earth, I can do anything. Anything.

5 comments:

shortensweet said...

You could always do anything - the difference is now YOU know it.

I love the change in you. Its something I prayed for and I know you did to.

I remember you telling me one time that you saw a man walking by the window, and you LOVED him so much that you wanted to do anything for him. I don't remember all the details, but it tells me that your relationship with Chris is a Godsend.
:)
Which is why I'm so excited about your wedding. Plus, it gives me hope that maybe mine will come too.

bunnyjo georg said...

I said WHAT? Dang, I can be weird sometimes!

I'm excited about the wedding, too. Let me know if you can think of any great songs we have to include for the reception. I want the music to totally rock!

As for being able to do anything, I can say I don't have that kind of confidence in myself. I just need to do things that I enjoy and make me happy and stop worrying about how well I do it. After all, performance isn't everything. Enjoyment counts for something, too. I have to keep reminding myself of that!

Now, about your wedding someday....it is something I am praying for; that God bring the right man into your life. You deserve the happiness of being loved and being taken care of by someone instead of having to do it all yourself. You give so much of yourself, you really deserve someone who gives to you. I love you, sis.

Chilldaddy said...

I can picture him saying, "The food is killer, honey."

bunnyjo georg said...

Yeah, you just may have heard him say that when you were over for the SB party! Probably....I'm just sayin. :)

VeeFlower said...

Reading these words is like a dream come true. I have always prayed that you would find happiness in a relationship, and would be able to find answers for yourself that you can live with. God does answer prayer, but He waits until the time is right. And by the way, both of you are doing an excellent job with your family life. I can't say enough how happy I am for you all! That is why your wedding is going to be more than just a wedding. You know what I mean.