My life is different now. Part of it is being in love and being loved, truly loved, in return. I feel loved. It is a hundred different things. The way he looked at me today and said, "Honey, this food is killer." It's the way he said, "Oh, that feels sooo good." when I casually rubbed his shoulder. I'm not trying to be all Valentinesy-romantic here, but when you are in love there are a thousand things that transact in a day that say, "You are worthy, you are a good person, and I love you." My soul needs that.
Did Chris save me? Absolutely without a doubt. He saved me, but not in the way you might think. I had been single and alone for much of my adult life. The thing about being single and alone is that you can continue all the dysfunctional crap and there's no one there to confront you, there's no mirror reflecting back what your behavior is doing to those around you, the ones you love. Chris was that mirror for me. Living with someone who spends every waking moment working his heart out for the people he loves and is responsible for is confronting, especially when you are used to just plain having it your way all the time just because you want it that way. He is such a good person, he made me want tobe better, too. I had a lot to learn.
The reason I am saying all of this stuff is because I'm in a very different place in my life and that change is reflected in this blog. This blog began at a time in my life when I was very confused and very conflicted, and I was making things tremendously worse by staying involved in a bad situation, trying to figure out a way to make it work. When I read the manic posts written during that time, I can remember the torment twisting my guts every waking moment and the anxiety that never let me rest. It was hell.
I'd like to go back and erase those posts, but erasing those posts won't erase that part of my life. It is part of my story now, and like it or not, I'm stuck with it. Now, though, when I sit down to write I'm not driven by the terrible feelings I had back then which stirred my mind up into a mental frenzy of words and emotions which fell into place like stout little soldiers marching into battle; each blog post was just one more attempt to validate myself in what was ultimately a soul crushing time in my life.
Now, I sit down to write and my words are different. Don't mistake this post as a declaration that I've arrived and that I no longer struggle. Oh, I struggle. But for me struggling is part of my human condition; I have no life apart from struggle. It's just that now I focus on different things. My family is everything to me. When I sit down to write, I'm thinking of that funny thing Emily did or how Grace and Brandie are growing into such beautiful, intelligent young girls and how thankful I am every moment of my life that I have such an incredible life partner in Chris. This is healing to me. This is bringing me back to my soul and it's drawing together all the dissociated, broken parts of myself. I have a vision now of who was hiding inside of me all these years, and you know what? I am so excited. Now the question is, will I have the courage to become the woman I was meant to be? You will have to tune into this blog to see. But I'm guessing that with the love and support of the best man on this earth, I can do anything. Anything.