I think Valentine's Day stinks. It sucks. It is a festering pustule anchored to my ever-expanding ass. It is a blight on society, sucking every bit of romance out of loving someone. Valentine's Day should be against the law.
Oh, you think I'm bitter just because I don't have someone to buy me a Valentine? Not so, you suspicious old crone. I'm bitter because Valentine's Day does three things, none of which do anything to further the already shaky cause of true love and romance.
The first problem with V-Day is that it makes single people sad. Sure, we can get together with friends. Sure, we can do something special with our children. Sure, we can just get out there and have a good old time regardless of our couple-free existence. But deep down inside each one of the single people having a great time not being a couple on V-Day is a person who longs for that romantic moment when some Special Someone hands over the goods and professes an undying love and devotion.
The second thing V-Day does is put stress on couples. Whether the couple is new or old, there's always the Big Question: will the V-Day gift make the grade? Because if not, buddy, you had better just forget about getting Valentine's sex because it is not happening. As a matter of fact, you'll have to jump through fifteen fiery hoops before privileges are reinstated. So there.
And finally, the last straw that puts V-Day on the bottom of my holiday list is the fact that it promotes the trinket trade. How many stuffed bears holding a heart need to be produced? How many gas station flowers need to give their life? Plus, when you add the obligatory keeping of the love-token...dusting the damn thing, letting its putrid ugliness mar what would otherwise be a tastefully composed room design...it is absolutely excremental.
So, what's the solution? Rent-a-Valentine for singles? Gift registries for couples? Levying massive duties against all cheap teddy bears imported from China?
The truth is there is no solution for the stupidity of V-Day. It is a billion-dollar retail boost after the predictable post-Christmas slump. It is the all-too-significant milestone in relationships all over America. It is another reason for single people to get drunk. In short, it is as permanent a staple of American society as death and taxes. And just as pleasant.
Which leaves just one question left to ponder:
Ain't love grand?