Have you ever believed in something so compelling you invested your entire soul? I mean that deep-down-in-your-heart level of belief that is unshakably a part of how you see the world? It becomes a basic precept on which you evaluate the world. It becomes a foundation on which you build your life. It becomes an intrinsic part of who you are.
Then one day you discover it was all based on a lie. The reality that shaped the circumstances and decisions that led you up to the place life finds you today has all been based on lie after lie after lie after lie. What do you hold on to?
I'll tell you what you hold on to. You hold on to you. To the truth you know about yourself. You can't control what other people do; you can only control your response to what they do. But that doesn't mean you don't have power or control, because the greatest power and control a person can have is personal empowerment and self-control. These two things will take you right out of that bad place the lies deposited you.
I know I should have said something about God and how God sees you through. But isn't that exactly what I'm saying? It isn't the lofty God way up in Heaven looking down benevolently that has impact on a person's life. It is the internalized truths about what is good and right and noble and honorable that really make a difference. And in the hard moments when the very earth seems to be shifting under your feet, these are the things that you hold on to. These are the things that matter.
I traveled for a time in a place of smoke and mirrors, but now I have escaped, finding to my utter delight that there is a place where the sun does shine and good things happen and my day is not dictated by the anxious trepidation of what a phone call can bring.
Here's the last word on this subject, my people: it's not the places you've traveled that define who you are, it is how you conducted yourself on the road. I can look back and say that even though I gave myself to something that was entirely false, I was true to my own standard of what was required of me, what I knew in my heart was right to give. I gave love and honesty and openness and fidelity and truth in everything I did.
It is not me who failed, it was the object of my affection.
I don't have trouble sleeping at night. Anymore.
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17 comments:
you said that very well honey and we agree that you are on the right tract with your new thoughts. Its part of life to have new beginnings and so happy for you that you are willing to take the plunge whole heartly.
I'm glad that you've seen 'the light' and that you're happy. It's been a long time since you could be happy without wondering when the other shoe was going to drop.
Regret doesn't change the past, just like worry doesn't change the future.
Grandma: I'm happy for my new beginnings, too. It's been very hard for me to shake off the love and committment I had for Dan. But now I feel like I see things a lot more accurately than I did when I was still under the influence of his lies and manipulation. It's caused Chris considerable consternation which makes me feel bad. I hope to just put the whole Dan thing behind me once and for all.
Shorty: Yeah, it really takes its toll that whole waiting for the other shoe to drop. Poor Chris. Now he's the one who feels like the other shoe might drop. As for regrets about Dan, the only thing I regret is that he hadn't been honest with me. I could have made a lot better decisions for myself if he had been. As it was, I put a major hurt on myself because I believed his lies. But not anymore.
Kudos to you:
To Thine Own Self Be True.
I rewrote the BIBLE and posted it, I thought this might help in your search for the truth amidst it all.
your humble servant,
Ancient Clown
remember what I said about knees...
Prudence is not paranoia.
Ancient: I saw that. I couldn't quite decipher the textual riddle on the cover though. It said something about instruction, I think. Any hints?
Ms. Blithe: Ah, prudence is the mother of sanity and spinsterhood, n'est ce pas?
I like what you have wrote. Inner strength has been something I have lacked lately that I turn to Jesus but yet I sometimes-a lot of times-feel as thought I am too weak to hold on. My fingers are slipping and I am scared.
Amen, sistah.
Anon: Inner strength is what you see in hind sight. Few people actually think to themselves in the midst of adversity, "My, how wonderfully I am handling all of this!" It's only in retrospect we can marvel we didn't slit our wrists.
Marcheline: Yeah, the sistahs gotta stick together, girl. Yeah.
If one can still think "wow, I'm handling this well" amidst adversity, it probably means that person's troubles aren't too big. If you ask me, that person is probably over-reacting about something... BIG troubles are those you can only think about after they are over, the ones you can never analize while they are happening.
I agree with you about being true to yourself, but don't forget if a guy is proud of being a bastard that guy is being true to himself by being nasty...
Prudence is the vaccine for broken hearts and STDs and confused offspring.
It might involve spinsterhood, or possibly just delayed gratification.
DCvR: Perhaps he WAS just being true to himself...truly a bastard. Hm. It fits.
Ms. Blithe: Ah, prudence. Like grace, it is something I could have been named but never would have lived up to. Spinsterhood is what smart women get trapped into when they are *too cautious* Delayed gratification is the reward of being cautiously optimistic. Maybe. I don't know. I guess we shall see, won't we!?!? Chris Chris Chris
(LOL)I'll stack it this way to change the perspective for you, as you were having trouble changing your perspective.(ROFL)
Basic
Instructions
Before
Leaving
Earth
BIBLE
aneea
ssfar
itovt
crrih
uen
c g
t
i
o
n
s
I'm showing people how to look at the same things in different ways. To better understand. We know what it says but do we REALLY know what it means?
LOVE
Walk the Talk, talk the walk.
your humble servant,
Ancient Clown
Wouldn't let me stack it down very well, as I did on my BIBLE, but I think you get the idea now eh? I've been adding links and stuff to hopefully make it easier to navigate...more enjoyable.
Come back any time, always something to find.
your humble servant,
Ancient Clown
P.S. TEAM SRI LANKA still missing. Official report stating they never showed up to begin with.(Hhmmn)
Ancient: Sorry to hear about team Sri Lanka. Blast stat counters! As for helping people to see things in new ways, good luck. I find that the complacency encapsulating most Americans from overeating, overindulging in TV and media and fun makes them sorry subjects for intelligent thought. Food comas and all, you know. But, good luck with that whole paddling-upstream thing. Just remember, the reward is in the doing....
I really, really like this.
I have soooooooo been there.
More than once.
It's a place the best of us have found ourselves at times, as evidenced by our brief sojourn there. Well, so mine wasn't so brief. But the lessons I learned! Oh, Lordy!
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